Welcome to Day 4 of The Connection Challenge, a 7-part series about creating, cultivating, and maximizing personal and professional relationships.
Here’s what we’ve covered so far:
Day 1: Show yourself a little love
Today, we’re going to look at what it takes to create a happier, healthier, and more loving relationship with your spouse or partner.
(By the way, if you’re single, I’ve got you covered: in Day 5, I’ll share how you can attract the partner of your dreams.)
13 rules for a happier, healthier marriage
One of the coolest and most enriching things my wife, Amna and I have done for our marriage is to create a list of mutual commitments and habits for our relationship. These “rules” have brought us closer together as a couple and helped us crush conflicts.
Here’s the list:
Compassionate communication or no communication. We talk to each other in a level-headed, compassionate way or we don’t talk to each other at all. If we can’t talk to one another with the love and compassion that each of us deserves, then the first one to catch it says (with a smile), “Remember: Compassionate communication or NO communication.” This is usually enough to relax the mood. If not, we mutually decide to revisit the issue once whichever one of us that’s pissed off (and thus, communicating with a lack of compassion) returns to reality.
Gratitude goodnights. Every night before bed, we take turns telling each other about one thing we’re grateful for about the other. For example, last night I said to Amna: “I’m really grateful for your patience.”
Daily expectations. Every morning we tell or text one another what our individual game plans are for the day. (For example: “I’m working until 3:00 pm today”). This is helpful because our schedules can vary from time to time, and it’s courteous to tell each other when we’ll be home or if we’ll be working later than usual on any given day.
Never keep score. Relationships are places that you go to give—NOT to get. I remember a guy once telling me about how he “broke even” after splitting up with his girlfriend. What he meant was that he didn’t spend any more money on her than she did on him. That’s some of the most ignorant shit I’ve ever heard. Never keep score. Your relationship will be infinitely more beautiful because of it.
Be impeccable with our language. This one was inspired by a book called, The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. One of “the four agreements” he discusses in the book, is to “Be impeccable with your word.” Which means this: When you make a promise, keep it. When you say you’re going to do something, do it. Don’t be the type of person who says things people have a hard time believing. This one serves as a constant reminder to both of us to be impeccable with our word, both with one another, as well as with everyone else.
Support one another’s individual dreams. My wife and I both do what we love for a living. And we’ve both got great dreams and ambitions for continued growth in the future. Our ongoing commitment to support each other in our individual dreams has a huge positive impact on our relationship.
Marriage is for life. No one goes into a marriage looking to get divorced… Unless you’re like my cousin in Uzbekistan, who married an American just so she could get her US citizenship—but that’s a different story all together. Anyway, I believe that marriage is sacred. And if you’re going to make that kind of commitment, you better take it seriously enough to understand what you’re getting into. Most people spend more time planning their wedding than they do planning their marriage. (Important note: I am NOT saying you should stay in an abusive relationship.)
Diffuse and alleviate! When shit hits the fan—and you know it can hit the fan every now and then—you need to diffuse and alleviate! For example: If Amna’s feeling super-stressed about something, and then takes it all out on me for no good reason, it’s probably not a good idea for me to start firing back in defense right then and there… The wiser move, in that scenario, would be to remind myself that she’s overwhelmed right now, and it’s got nothing to do with me. And the best thing I can do as a husband, isn’t to argue or try to fix it, but rather, to alleviate the situation by listening to her tell me all about it. This ongoing commitment has played a crucial role in helping us maintain a healthy, happy marriage.
